This Is Me & I Am Proud.

Showing others the “real me” is something I have struggled with for most of my life. It wasn’t until this past week that I was truly able to delve into the reasoning behind this struggle, and despite it taking SO long I am quite happy to proclaim that I AM READY TO BE ME.

Certain things have been happening like dreams and flashbacks that kept bringing me back to a past I didn’t even know affected me so greatly. The truth is my self- hatred dates back to my middle school years and it took me until this very day to realize this. In middle school I wasn’t the most attractive girl, but honestly who is? I had frizzy curly hair, braces, and glasses to top it off. I remember crying before school because I felt so insecure about the way I looked. I wanted to look like all the other girls. I didn’t feel worthy because none of the boys wanted to talk to a girl that looked like me.

Unfortunately, this thought process led to 13 years of seeking approval from others, specifically that of males. I can’t tell you the endless amount of negative behaviors I engaged in all to shed the “ugly duckling” image I had of myself. I don’t want to reveal too much of the past because I am now able to see that all of these actions came from a place of insecurity. All of the things I did from the start of freshman year of high school to the end of my junior year of college were done to fulfill my needs for approval, affection and attention. I wanted to be seen as someone who was “cool” in hopes of never getting rejected again.

Flash forward to me at 26 years old and I am quite sick of treating myself so horribly. Why the heck should I put others’ perceptions of me before the love for myself. How dare I treat my poor little soul with such hatred. I treat everyone with kindness, yet up until this point I haven’t given myself the same respect. What type of bs is that?

Well I’m done. I am taking the mask off. I am me and I am so grateful for unwrapping the being that’s been hiding inside of me all this time. The one whose a little quirky but cares so greatly for the people she loves. The one who may come across as quiet and shy but is really just inquisitive and observant. The one who is usually happy and fervently smiling. Yep that’s me and I will be damned if I live one more day acting as anyone else. 

Burn Out Is Real…

This is the worst I have felt in a very long time and it’s funny because just a few days ago I felt on top of the world. I am overeating unhealthy foods and sleeping ALOT. It just feels absolutely awful. It’s not depression, nope. It’s burn out, and I vouch to never allow myself to feel this way again.

The feeling of burn out literally shot me in the dark and came out of left field. I have been working at a job that’s exhausted me mentally. One that hasn’t always been easy to shut out when I go home for the day/weekend. I may have enjoyed some tasks this job involved at one time but now I have become so resentful that I can’t quite remember what those were.

I have a feeling that I am not the only person my age going through this type of feeling. I believe you can feel burnt out whether you have a job or not, and with so many unemployed people in my generation I thought it might be beneficial to share what I’m going through.

I seemed to be turning into a happy go lucky girl again and great things were starting to happen for me. I am not discounting the fact that I am still this person but right now I feel like the shell of a human. I can only find joy in eating mounds of unhealthy foods and sitting on the couch doing literally nothing. I can’t look in the mirror because I feel disgusted with the person I am right now. I have started drinking an unhealthy amount of coffee each day. The list goes on…

Luckily, I am starting a new job in about a week so I am very thankful for a new opportunity and the chance to start over and put my priorities first for a change. The truth is that it doesn’t have to get this bad. We have the power to create the life we want and I refuse to ever let anything become more important than my well being ever again. No matter what!